Murphy's Law for Newbies

[Bass]

I have to put this in a separate thread - read and enjoy. This WILL happen to you :D

All credits to Stoke:

Murphy's laws on artillery bombardment:
If the very first strike does not kill you, and you run like a headless chicken to get out of the area:
- you will run into an enemy that will kill you with one shot
- your commander will be polite enough to provide a fresh friendly artillery barrage to kill you with
- you reach a clear spot, and all is quiet except for that last little teensy weensy little arty - booom - 300m into the air.

Murphy's laws on reloading:
You have half a clip left and you know you must reload - you wait a bit to listen for the sound of approaching enemy - you hear nothing - reload:
- An enemy runs right past you, stops and turns around in slow-mo
- An enemy spawns right in front of you
- lands with a parachute in front of you
- simply materialise from nowhere
and slowly takes you out while you keep pressing 3 instead of 2 to get a pistol. Then you realise that not waiting that time that you waited before hitting R could have avoided this entire situation.

Murphy's laws on reparing a Tank/APC:
Your vehicle is at 30% health - you back up to get to a safe place to do the repairs:
- You will ride over at least one teamie who will punish you
- As you jump out of the vehicle it will be hit by a AT missile and blow up and take you with it, and you would have killed the AT if you had stayed put.
- You haul out your spanner only to be met immediately by an enemy with a knife - you offer the spanner of death [(c)Drusk] and learn a quick sharp point.
- You complete repairs and watch a teamie drive your vehicle away over a friendly mine.
- You complete repairs and wonder why E is not working and then your vehicle drives a bit - turns and blows you to smitherines.

Murphy's law on Healing:
It's a heated battle - the entire squad except for you has managed to get themselves killed but have also managed to take out the enemy. You wait. All is clear:
- you dive for the first corpse - FWEEEEEP - Revived - FWEEEEEP - Revived - BOOOOM Artillery wipes all 3 of you out.
- you dive for the first corpse - Charging .1sec.2sec.3sec.4sec. Sniped. Dang you should have recharged first.
- you dive for the first corpse and paddle a friendly to death who punishes you.
- you dive for the first corpse that is an enemy corpse but you cannot tell the difference and then after the 2nd attempt you figger it out then - dead.
- you wait a little longer before doing the healing and you get grenaded.
- you revive a teamie and he gets all confused and kills you. You somehow manage to not TK him.
- you run into the fray and somehow manage to switch weapons and shoot the remains of your clip into the corpse and then look up and see a grinning enemy.
- you try to revive the corpse wth a grenade and then stare in shock at it lying next to you ... as you run away you hear - FWEEP - You'll Live buddy - FWEEP - You'll Live buddy - BOOM - 3 TK's.

[Bass]

And then further wisdom from Sabre ... :)


Scientific Laws of Battlefield 2

1. If you spot an enemy before he sees you, chances are you will die.

2. The probability of killing someone is inversely proportional to how much you want to kill him.

3. For every good thing done, something bad happens.

4. If you see a bunch of easy targets in front of you, you will miss all of them and die.

5. You have a better chance of throwing a handful of sniper rifle bullets and killing the enemy, than shooting them at him.

6. For every one enemy you kill with mines, you will kill 2 friendlies and they will both punish the TK.

7. Idiots have a unique pheromone receptor which can sense a friendly arty strike. Once initiated they run to the center of the strike like moths to a flame, thrust their noses in the air and put there finger on the PgDn button ready for the climax!

8. Thou shalt always re-spawn into an arty strike or a massive unfriendly assault and die before you can do anything.

9. A dune buggy slowly slipping down a gentle slope is the most brutal and deadly thing in the game if you're standing in its path.

10. When fleeing from an enemy, you will be shot to death, inches away from your cover.

11. When a gunner in a helo, chances are u got the worst pilot u can think of

12.When you have no money chances are your joystick will go funny.

13.If someone with an ak101 happens to glance at you, you will instantly die of fear.

14.No matter what weapon you carry, it will take over half a magazine to attempt to kill the guy that take you out with a three round burst or less.

15.Holding right mouse button when throwing a grenade changes throw length from feet to inches.

16.Even with the dexterity to balance the blade of his knife on his finger, a soldier will constantly miss when lunging to stab a stationary enemy.

17.Somehow, a man can take a 50.cal sniper round to the chest WITHOUT DYING.

18.Your pistol is a much better sniper rifle than your .50cal rifle

19.A crescent wrench can fix anything

20.You can raise a flag in a tank.

21.Seconds before you get your hard-earned Flag-Capture Point, an Enemy will pop up and kill you, giving the Capture Point to your Team-Mate.

22.After shooting an enemy Tank to low Health with your APC, your Gun will overheat and a Team-Mate will grab the kill, leaving you with not even a Kill-Assist.

23.You will never be able to swim away fast enough from an accidentally drowned Jeep.

24.Claymores only kill foolish teammates.

25.If you want an enemy to abandon an armoured vehicle, run at it from the rear and let them see you doing it, they'll jump out.

26.No matter what, defibrillators cure all

27.the pinnacle of aviation technology cannot help a bomb hit its target

28.all vehicles have electrical armour plating, as when u touch it, you’re dead

29.The more you press the 9 key to deploy a chute, the less likely the chute will deploy

30.You spawn right next to the enemy tank.

31.If you want to be a sniper you should choose Anti-Tank Class.

32.Just as you detonate the C4 on the UAV trailer, two to three teammates will drive up in a jeep right next to the detonation site.

33.No matter how much you shoot a guy parachuting down, he will never take any damage. And, when he gets down you are out of ammo and he kills you.

34.You are killed after a 10 minute run to an enemy flag, right before you reach it.

35.Water is extremely flammable and will cause vehicles to explode.

36.If your in a group and run into a single enemy, you WILL die first.

37.Confucious say: When commander drop supply crate from sky, look up or you will endure headache until next spawn

38.Confucious say: Man with handful of wheat will hit enemy more than with M229 SAW.

39.Spawning is more like a race to the helicopter.

40.A tank that’s motionless while capturing a flag will wait until you run up behind it to plant C4 before the drivers cat steps on the S key and kills you.

41.Just after you found a great Spot to snipe from, while taking careful Aim at a Group of Enemies - you will be knifed from behind.

42.After taking a few well-aimed Shots at an Enemy, he will spin around and kill you with a single round from his MP5.

43.You must be the fattest person in the army as you cannot fit through a 3 foot wide gap between the bamboo

44.After throwing a pack of C4 on top of a smoking tank, and pulling out detonator, the remaining C4 (in your pocket) will magically explode...every time.

45.If you are capping a flag alone in a tank the one enemy that manages to spawn in time will be a spec op...

46.If you are capping a flag and once it goes neutral you hear arty guns firing in the distance, run like #@$%!!!

47.If you need tank support, drop a mine on the road and a friendly tank will show up in no time...

48.If you re-spawn as an anti-tank the tank will have either disappeared or magically spawned many enemies who know exactly where you re-spawned

49.When in need of medical aide call for a supply drop, the crate will be there in no time to crush you to death, thus ending your need for medical aide

50. Asking a Commander for ammo means he will send Artillery with the assumption you catch them and throw them at the enemy.


From Stoke again


51 - You will run out of run as you go around the corner with an APC right behind you and you will die because of it.
52 - Your attempts to spot an enemy tank will be rewarded with a line of useless question marks of enemy activity before the tank kills you.
53 - Your impressive hand-grenading of 2 whole enemy squads will be ruined by the 3 idiots that think that "Grenade" means "run there".

[Ruslan74]

54. While playing as a SL you happen to have a Commander who keeps quoting the Ten Commandments while swearing orders like a sailor for the whole round.
55. You finally make it to the BH and the first thing the pilot does is nose dive into a palm tree while pressing B.

[rainy]

Murphy's Law for Snipers

- When you spot an enemy sniper, he has most likely already trained his crosshairs on you.
- You spend more time walking to your vantage point than actually sniping. Once you start sniping, people spot you and take you out immediately.
- Any enemy bullet can hit you through a steel plate, but your 12mm round doesn't even go through wood.
- Put up a claymore to secure your vantage point, and 75% of the time a teamie will walk into it. 75% of these cases the teamie will PTK you.
- Assault rifles are more accurate on medium distance than your high-precision sniper rifle.
- If you don't finish off your target with the first shot, somebody else will take you out while you aim for the second one.
- As soon as you find out that you have the ideal vantage point, you will run out of ammo. When you leave the position to resupply, you won't be able to go back because of your own claymore.

[Alluvium]

dont forget

56, after waiting in limbo for 10 seconds, your squad leader will die, ass soon as your count down timer hits 1...

[TG]

dont forget

56, after waiting in limbo for 10 seconds, your squad leader will die, ass soon as your count down timer hits 1...

Gah, that one's a RULE!

[stoke]

57, You are squad leader, you die, you leave and rejoin to get back to your squad members only to discover that the squad leader is now a sniper on a building miles away from your team mates.

[TG]

/me looks at rainy...

Hehe, sometimes that's useful tho :)

[Darnit696]

dont forget

56, after waiting in limbo for 10 seconds, your squad leader will die, ass soon as your count down timer hits 1...

This needs ammendment. ....your squad leader will die in an arty strike just after your counter reaches 1, ergo you get to watch your counter again...

[Ruslan74]

worse, you respawn in the middle of the arty strike with your SL running past you for his life... :p

[TG]

Sorry!!!

[rainy]

57, You are squad leader, you die, you leave and rejoin to get back to your squad members only to discover that the squad leader is now a sniper on a building miles away from your team mates.

Do I sense some slight criticism there? :D

[stoke]

:p na ... but I do wonder what posessed EA to use rank as the criteria to use to select next squad leader.
It's dof.

[Ruslan74]

is it by rank? i thought it was according to whom joined when the squad got created...

[stoke]

Yea - me as well - but I definately joined last or second last and every time I left - Rainy became leader, and when rainy left, I became leader ... nobody else could be leader. It was quite bleugh.

[TG]

Yeah... It should be based on who's left alive.

[SaintMg]

I agree if team leader die it should rotate automaticaly to next peep

and what happened to spawning on Commander ???

[Ruslan74]

and get stuck under the UAV?

*no way man*

:p

[Darnit696]

and get stuck under the UAV?

*no way man*

:p
I spawned on stoke as SL. We were at the Hill spawnpoint (Mashtuur City). He has obviously just been killed cause as I spawned there was his poor body lying there, point is I spawned under the humvee that was parked next to the flag. Shot 4 MEC troopies who were running around trying to figure out where the hell I was. Fun! :D

[SaintMg]

yeah i dig laying under jeeps and tanks n stuff peeps never know where you at but then come mr tank and there is no way you can get out in time so i do that a lot less now

[stoke]

Generally ... If I spot a tank and I know I've been spotted - I haul out my pistol and shoot it in the eye until i'm dead - well - unless i've got a grenade launcher or an at rocket launcher.
I've had one that didn't kill me right away and just kinda stared until I had to reload, so I start the reload and ran up to the tank and got slaughtered by the machine gun.
Okay ... stupid story - but the morale is : stare death in the face wrather than run from it.

[Darnit696]

but the morale is : stare death in the face wrather than run from it.
You know I used to believe that and then came taxi drivers.... Oh sorry in the game, yes well I'd rather try to move... that way you live to fight another day so to speak.

[Alluvium]

i have a new fav habbit of running into arty hot zones, i like the stoned, fuzzy , you have been shell shocked effect, i normally play a medic so there dead dudes all over, and what the hey, i am so used to being hit by arty, i would almost be insulted if i didnt get killed

[m137o]

Quote:
all vehicles have electrical armour plating, as when u touch it, you’re dead

I hate that so much...I jump out of a hummer,try jumping ovber the bonnet...[rd][m137o] is no more -2 points

[fivel]

Quote:
all vehicles have electrical armour plating, as when u touch it, you’re dead

I hate that so much...I jump out of a hummer,try jumping ovber the bonnet...[rd][m137o] is no more -2 points

I managed to squish stoke between humvee and tree last night :(

[Ruslan74]

thats nothing, my jeep has run-over-5L sensors if he knows you are around. :p

[stoke]

Yea ... i really thought I was in the clear on that one ... seems I was seriously mistaken - apparently the door handle is actually a lightning conductor and somewhere in another map there was a lightning storm and ...

[Ruslan74]

have you ever wondered if you could insure yourself for accidents like those for your online characters?

man, that would be neat!

Fivel - SPLAT on Stoke
Stoke - No problems man, my insurance will pay up.
Fivel - thanks bud! No TK for that one at least! :D

[stoke]

Insurance takes the points from useless ... he don't mind ... or from any of the assault's ... LOL :p !

[SaintMg]

when you run over an enamy he will just be dragged by the jeeep till you stop then pop you in the head

when you swerve to avoid hitting a teamie with you jeep an entire squad will run out from behind a corner and they will all tkp you