Chuck Norris, The man, the Legend, The Texas Ranger

[{lostmarble}]

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

1. Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

2. Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, "I don't trust doctors." He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.

3. Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com

4. Rather that being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way from his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. The orginal them song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up truck. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

7. Chuck Norris wears a rattlesnake as a live condom.

8. Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at a woman and saying "booya".

10. The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis.

Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.

Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.

Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except China and Japan.
"No Asian chicks."

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

In the 80's it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan's body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan's tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.

Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens' stories while he works out.

During the 1970's he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)

Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris' house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while "It's a Hard Knock Life" plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say "Thank you, Mr. Norris." in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn't get in the way of his round-house kick.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn't know why, but Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.

Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a

lighter weight and work his way up.

Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.

Chuck Norris is a mammal. Chuck Norris fights ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and roundhouse kick people.

And many many more, I just have to find them in my mailbox....

[{lostmarble}]

Dont get me started on him......

[Scooby_Doo16]

Vin Diesel can divide by zero. :D

[Scooby_Doo16]

The eternal conundrum of what would happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object was answered when vin diesel punched himself in the face.

[{lostmarble}]

I have Vin Diesel and Mr T aswell.

not forgetting Riann Cruywagen.

[Alluvium]

post MR T up, i got all those norris jokes : /

[{lostmarble}]

Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

There are now over 43 fools born every minute in order to keep up with the rate at which Mr. T pities them.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

When the end of the world comes, it won't be referred to as "Judgment Day". Rather, it shall be called "T-Day", when Mr. T ends the world by simultaneously pitying all six billion fools on this planet to death.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be changed to include Mickey's "accidental" death.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

[{lostmarble}]

> Riaan Cruywagen, the original comb over and gangsta, seen reading the
> news every night on SABC2 since the mid-80's is cooler than Chuck.
> Broadcasts: thousands...wig-changes: zero.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen is fluent in twenty seven of the eleven official
> languages.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen knows the news before it happens.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen is cryogenically frozen every night for EXACTLY eight
> hours.
> His brain impulses are monitored during this and used as templates for
> deciphering elaborate ancient manuscripts.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen knew you would say that.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen had a telekinetic showdown with Johan Stemmet. After
> draining all of Stemmet's powers and rendering him severely retarded,
> he created Noot vir Noot and made Stemmet the host.
>
> Some people believe Riaan Cruywagen wears a toupee - he has, in fact,
> One perfect hair. The one that covers his entire head - giving it
> that, 'not quite real' look. Riaan himself is not quite real.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen was the original model for Michelangelo's statue of
> David.
> Unfortunately, that was in the early years of Michelangelo's career
> and he wasn't yet artistically mature enough to capture the Cruywagen
> essence. He nearly drove himself mad with frustration until eventually
> he decided to settle for his number 2 choice of model in Chuck Norris
> who was only 3 years old when he posed for Michelangelo.
>
> One night during an ad break on the 8 o'clock news, Riaan Cruywagen
> mentioned to the makeup lady that he was 'tired of this apartheid
> nonsense'.
> Nelson Mandela was released from prison the next day.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen wasn't born, he thought himself into existence.
>
> The only man made object visible (with the unaided eye) from space is
the Great Wall of China. Riaan Cruywagen can see the Muir Space station
with his 'unaided eye'.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen never blinks; if he does the entire world would just
> not happen for that split second.
>
> When Sir Edmund Hillary reached the summit of Mount Everest, he was
> welcomed by Riaan Cruywagen, who briefly interviewed him, before
> wiring the information through to the SAUK.
>
> The SAUK is actually a front for a secret society of Swiss Bankers who
> manipulate the world's economy, and is chaired by non other than his
> most Worshipful Master, Riaan Cruywagen.
>
> In binary code the word "Riaan Cruywagen" looks like the shroud of
> Turin.
>
> When he was three Riaan Cruywagen successfully reinvented the wheel.
> For his second birthday party he entertained guests by coming up with
> the first highly successful prototype.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen will never die. His soul gets transferred to another
> identical body via various arcane rituals and current nano-technology
> thrice fortnightly.
>
> Bruce Willis' character in Die Hard is based on the unpublished
> autobiography written by Riaan Cruywagen at the age of 15.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen is an accomplished author and poet - though, humble by
> nature, he chooses not to write under his own title but prefers to go
> by psuedonyms such as W. Whitman, E . Hemingway, Proust, JD Salinger
> and G Chaucer - amongst others.
>
> Riaan Cruywagen's first job was tutoring Pythagoras.
>
>
> After reading the news Riaan Cruywagen built the pyramids. It took
> precisely
> 17 minutes to draw up the plans and then a further six minutes to
> think them into existence.
>

[{lostmarble}]

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe
anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone
throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute
this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says,
"I thought your paper would protect you."

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is
folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the
situation, he is always understood.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills
them.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked
Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one
of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to
slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe
place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and
Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the
resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr. T isn't afraid of flying, but God fears the consequences of letting
him fall.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in
seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has
three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast
and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the
woods.

Mr. T doesn't need an ATM card. He just walks up to the machine, crosses
his arms, stares at it, and money comes out.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken
you to read this sentence.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then
created Pity.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5
minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat
three.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand
prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at
Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him
and is trying to get as far away as possible.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to
walk.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is
in the world.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise.
Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out
of fear.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only
survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

[rainy]

OK, can I lock this now? ;)

[BambisRevenge]

you guys forgot about chuck norris doesnt belive in god, god believes in chuck norris and on the 7th day god sat down and chuck norris took over...


lol

and the tides are caused by when god see's chuck norris comming and pees him self...