Friday humour

[fivel]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.

[Bass]

I'm sure that most of you would have seen this - is good enough to post again though - especially good for those of us with pets (WAJ should enjoy it !)

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little #%#$!%# front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

:D

[FeralBanana]

[COLOR="Blue"]catstuffscatstuffs

Lol... we did that as a case study for an english excercise!!

[Bass]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To
demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors. There are teachers, and then there are educators..

[Bass]

Top 12 Things A Klingon Programmer Would Say

12 - This code should be read in the original Klingon to be fully appreciated
11 - This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
10 - Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9 - Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
8 - What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
7 - Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN.
6 - Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
5 - I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
4 - A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
3 - By filing this SPR you have challenged the honour of my family. Prepare to die!
2 - You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
1 - Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

[Bass]

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
> This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
> repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m.
> When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant
> gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I
> replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our
> phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future
> outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
>
IDIOTS AT WORK:
> I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
> noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
> informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
> card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
> to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed
> the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature
> to the
>
> one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
> matched.
>
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
> I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
> local township administrative office to request the removal of the
> Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being
> hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
>
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
> the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
> sorry, but they only had iceberg.
>
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
> asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
> knowledge?"
>
> To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
> know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
>
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
> I
>
> was crossing with a co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what
> the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
> light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people
> doing driving?"
>
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving
> the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
> "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We
> all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
>
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
> our
>
> car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
> service
>
> department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
> driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
> instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
> unlocked.
>
> "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he
> replied, "I know - I already got that side."
>
> Now don't you feel better???

[Bass]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

[rainy]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Too bad I can only post max 5 smilies

[rainy]

Never let it be said that ground crew and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

*************************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*************************************************
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
*************************************************
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
*************************************************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*************************************************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
*************************************************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*************************************************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*************************************************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*************************************************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
*************************************************
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*************************************************
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
*************************************************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*************************************************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
*************************************************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
*************************************************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Bass]

Hehe ... good ones :D

[Darnit696]

@ Bass


IDIOTS AT WORK:
> I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
> noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
> informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
> card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
> to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed
> the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature
> to the
>
> one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
> matched.


This actually happened to me in the Makro!

[Darnit696]

A man comes out of a bar, he's spent several hours there, had a couple too many and has trouble finding his keys. Presently a police officer spots the man scouring the sidewalk and goes over to see what the trouble is.
" I lost my keysh over there. " says the man pointing unsteadily at a spot some meters away next to his car.
"Why are you looking over here?" asks the officer.
"Caush the light is better over here!" exclaims the man pointing up at the street lamp...





... The officer looks at the man and notices something.
"Um Sir... you zip is down"
The man swaying slightly looks down in surprise...
"Bugger looks like I lost ma missus as well!"



:)

[Darnit696]

Ok so its not friday.... so shoot me... you can.. :D

The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an Interlink from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than Amazon.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them
R871,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

[Darnit696]

For those of you with children...

Things Learned From Children

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 30 kilogram boy wearing outside underwear and a superman cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 4m by 4m room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with HTH makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 300 Square meter house 5cm deep.

8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her for life.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Moirs jelly powder you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Moirs jelly powder.

13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jam sandwiches.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[rainy]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I thunk I'm gonna print that last one and put it on my wall as a reminder for when Connor gets bigger :D

[Bass]

:rofl: Very good !!! ... thanks ! .. I needed that ! :D

[doobiwan]

I had to, I'm sorry :D :

Screw Chuck Norris, we have Steve!

Steve Hofmeyer once sakkied with 10 Poppies at once.
Steve Hofmeyer drives a Tata.
Steve Hofmeyer braai's with his fingers.
Steve Hofmeyer doesn't support the Bulls, the Bulls support Steve Hofmeyer.
Steve Hofmeyer doesn't have a good voice, the microphone is scared of Steve Hofmeyer and makes his voice perfect.
When Steve Hofmeyer stares at raw meat it turns to biltong.
Bless Bridges didn't die in a car crash Steve Hofmeyer beat him to death with a red rose.
Morkels gives Steve Hofmeyer any guarantee he wants.
Steve Hofmeyer repossessed Bob Mugabe's Farm.
Not even Chuck Norris gets as many fathers day cards as Steve Hofmeyer.
The "National Party" is actually a term to describe Steve Hofmeyer's birthday celebrations‡”
Steve Hofmeyer cannot count. He doesn't need to.
Klipdrift is actually Steve Hofmeyer's urine.
Osama Bin Laden and Steve Hofmeyer have the same amount of letters in both their names. Coincidence? I think not

Steve Hofmeyer is the only man alive to turn down Patricia Lewis.
Steve Hofmeyer can get through on Vodacom.
When Steve Hofmeyer goes to Pick 'n Pay he just picks.

[rainy]

OK, I am not fond of either, but if I had to choose, I would take Chuck over Steve... At least Chuck doesn't sing :D

[NerdBoyZa]

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together,
when grandpa pulls a beer out of the cooler.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your *ss?"
The little boy answered "no."
Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your *ss?"
The little boy answered "no", again.
Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house with some cookies.
Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your dick touch your *ss?"
Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my *ss!"
The boy replied, "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

[FeralBanana]

:roffel: at most of them.. some I was too lazy to read...

The looong ones...

:mbounce: